| you don't need to compromise |
[29 Aug 2005|12:07pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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the killers |
] |
first class down. the jewelry prof was a younger woman who was very vivacious and cute. and she's been doing jewelry/metals for 10 years, so hopefully that'll translate into some worthwhile classtime. i'm actually already stoked about my first project, for which i need to do some research before wednesday. i believe our first project is a pierced brooch of some design, with lots of miscellaneous samples. we need things for inspiration. i'm going to be researching various things that i'm interested in right now including traditional ancient celtic/medieval metalworking, oriental art (specifically relating to the myth of the rising phoenix), and more organic art. i saw THE MOST awesome tree on the way over here (i'm at the sherrod library) that would make for some amazing jewelry inspiration. i'm going to see if dustin will lemme borrow his camera so i can take some pictures tomorrow. i'll post those up. damn i need a digital camera.
so today has been good. class got out a little earlier than usual because it was only the first day and no one had goggles or tweezers or other supplies. the department also provides a lot of the metalworking tools for us to share with a partner, so that's nice. who said there wouldn't be perks with going to a state university? despite the fact that i had to haul ass about a half mile across campus because the parking situation here is so ridiculous. they are in desperate need of a parking garage.
and hot damn, i look way cute today. i haven't felt cute in forever. it's a good hair day, my bra coordinates with my panties which both coordinate with my crocheted sweater which, coincidentally, matches my car. and the combination of turquoise and pink always rocks. i so look like an art student. haha.
so today's been good so far, despite the fact that i have to work today. though it shouldn't be too long, and maybe i can even get a little more time in if philosophy is cut short. after my other obligations, i need to go by lowes or somewhere to find some good saftey goggles- not those godawful lab goggles that make your face sweat. i'll probably head to kingsport too so that i can check for tweezers at hobby lobby and visit dustin.
and there's a hottie in my metals class. that always helps.
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[28 Aug 2005|07:10pm] |
first of all, i'd just like to say thanks to nanette for reading my journal and leaving me encouraging comments. it's nice to see that someone cares. <3
anywho.
- i hope new orleans doesn't flood all to hell. i havent visited there yet. that and a lot of people might get hurt.
- i'm going to see the brothers grimm tonight. should be rockin. same director as fear and loathing in las vegas, says dusty.
- school starts tomorrow. i'm extremely nervous. i've got to keep my shit together. i cannot fail. i must be the best.
- need. apartment. badly. living at home is less than cool, and what with school, i won't be able to go to kingsport as much to see dustin.
- mother of god i'm starving. i need to eat dinner. which will probably be subway, because i'm friggin addicted.
- as soon as i get pictures of my new hair, i'll post 'em up.
- i had an amazing, mind altering experience last night. if you're special, i just might tell you about it.
- portishead and massive attack have been on major rotation with me lately. mmm.
- my mom was a super hot babe when she was young, and not half bad looking now. i wish she'd believe me.
- did i mention that i'm terrified of school tomorrow?
- i wish i could relax and let go and figure out who i am. i can't live my whole life and end up jaded and cynical.
- the dorian three make me wanna dance. however, they're so underground they're not on amazon.com. arent i 31337?
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[25 Aug 2005|03:04pm] |
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music |
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massive attack - teardrop |
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i am so lonely.
i dont even know how to describe it without sounding pathetic and sniveling. not that it much matters, a total of about 2.3 people read this anyway. loneliness isn't rational, i suppose. it's not like i don't have a friend here, and i'm around my family. i guess i miss that deep meaningful connection. it seems i've been unplugged, not only from my physical location and school, but from everything i knew, from myself. living almost exclusively in one's head can be tiring.
part of me wants to withdraw significantly, or at least not reach out to people as much anymore. however, i've tried that before and always seem too weak to make it happen. i feel...different than i used to. as if now there's a part of me that no one can ever touch. maybe that's a good thing, maybe that's bad. i'm not sure. on the one hand, it prevents me from being quite so destroyed again, but i wonder if i'm less honest because of it. (though really, who among us is truly honest?) perhaps i should learn appropriate psychological boundaries for myself. i've always been sort of a loner, much more introspective than most of my peers, but it's gotten even more pronounced of late. it makes me sad i can't share what's inside. "makes me sad" is an understatement.
i have so many projects floating around in my head. school might help. i have no children, no real responsibilities- maybe this year workaholism is just what the doctor ordered. no one understands you better than your art. there are no pretensions there. if you fail, you fail and try again. there are no requirements to be anything you aren't, and you can create your own universe. perceived control in a world gone mad, so to speak. that's important to me- not only because i'm a control freak and rarely get to feel like i'm dictating anything around me, but because it's nice to dodge the bullet of conformity once in awhile.
i sometimes wonder what other people are really thinking when they look at me. what all the rednecks in the kingsport waffle house at midnight are thinking when they stare at me as i walk in, wonder if they're seeing a scarlet letter of some kind. not that i can necessarily blame them, after all, i'm in a small southern community in the buckle of the bible belt. local people are somewhat reluctant to accept a white girl all in black and high heels with two funny blonde streaks in her hair and giant holes in her ears. kids riding in the back of a truck pointed and stared at me in tandem this afternoon while i was at a stoplight. it doesn't hurt so much as make me curious, and a little wistful.
but even this entry hasn't brought me any closer to understanding, so i'm just going to sit here, listen to massive attack, and breathe.
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| freeker by the speaker |
[25 Aug 2005|11:57am] |
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mood |
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 okay |
] |
Okay so. For all the faults surrounding the “good ole boy” attitude, it can occasionally get shit done. My dad, frustrated by the news that my loan approval form still hadn’t been located by the financial aid office, decided he’d call the vice president of the university and get things straightened out. So the vice president got the head of the financial aid office to make sure that the form was found. This morning, they had all five counselors looking for the form. (Which, coincidentally, had been found two days before- I got 3 days worth of voicemail on my phone just this morning. Oops.) So yeah, my dad gets shit done. That’s just how he rolls. Yay for daddies!
And teh omg!!!11!one!!!11!1!! I saw “the skeleton key” last night. It looked sort of cheez-tastic, but it ended up being amazingly awesome. What with my fetish for anything New Orleans-related, I loved the movie because 1) it was set in said city, 2) included a storyline based on hoodoo 3) made me jump and squeal [albeit not a terribly difficult thing to do], and lastly 4) it had a great storyline with a big surprise ending. Hell yeah.
And apparently, there was a 3.8 magnitude earthquake in JC last night about 11:15. I was in the movie and didn’t notice it, but sarah said it shook her bed for about 3 seconds- she didn’t know what it was and thought she was having a heart attack. My aunt (who lives in Jonesborough) said she got out of the shower about the same time and the quake shook her whole house and made it sound like there were jackhammers in the basement. I’m severely pissed that I missed out on the earthquake. Come to think of it, I wonder if it’s a coincidence that there was a blood red moon last night….*cue twilight zone theme*
Gotta run by the bookstore today and figure out how much money I have to scrape together for books- my loan disbursement probably won’t be for at least 7-10 days. But that’s better than a month. Today has been good thus far.
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[24 Aug 2005|04:50pm] |
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jesus christ.
fuck sallie mae. fuck etsu. fuck PLUS loans.
school starts in less than a week, and apparently, etsu STILL has no goddamn record of my dad's plus loan approval. i am an art student. i cannot fucking do my homework if i have no money to buy supplies. its not like i can borrow a book from someone and copy the chapter for the week.
i'm going to have to beg off my grandparents again this year.
i swear to god, someday, people will be begging me for cash. |
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[22 Aug 2005|01:04am] |
i feel pretty worthless tonight. i've been gaining weight. packing on 15 pounds is a big deal for me. i miss jay terribly and am conflicted about my present love triangle. i dont have any motivation to exercise or take care of myself. my parents are irritating the fuck out of me- not so much because i don't like them...just something about this house. i feel like i'm regressing here. i havent made any real art in god only know how long. not seeming to have any control whatsoever over my eating, my love life, my art, or my living situation is bumming me the hell out.
i'm scared my etsu loans won't come in on time and that my schedule will get screwed up. i don't know how much more defeat i can take. if things don't get better with school starting, then i'm going to be scared for my sanity. because now, i have no one to hold me up. i have to start actually getting shit done on my own. i'm terribly weak. standing on my own two feet seems to be damn near impossible for me. why is that, exactly?
what's preventing me from being happy with myself, on my own? i don't know if there are just some people that aren't meant to be by themselves, or if that's just my shitty way of rationalizing my staggering codependency. as much as i hated parts of baylor last semester, i'd give a lot to be back there now. jay keeps telling me that i try to make myself happy by changing my outer surroundings, and that doesn't seem to be working. he's probably right. what if i end up skinny with my hair grown back out, living in a cute apartment, and i'm doing well with my art, and i'm still not happy? what is it going to take?
i have visions of what i want my ideal future to be, and i'm terrified they won't come to fruition. i keep trying to make the fairy tale real. settling isn't an option. maybe i'll come out a sarcastic, bitter witch when all my dreams come crashing to the ground- but at least i'll have tried, right?
sometimes i wonder.
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| i used to think of you and me forever |
[20 Aug 2005|07:55pm] |
woo! two posts in one day!
1. initials: RAB
2. name someone with the same birthday as you: Jim Henson
3. where was your first kiss? in my parent's basement
4. for or against same sex marriages? i'm not particularly passionately for it, but i say fuck the republicans for trying to legislate morality.
5. are you homophobic? i don't care what other people do
6. are you bisexual? not really
7. do you believe in God?: i'm not sure god believes in me
8. how many US states have you been to?: 11? 10 that i can remember
9. how many of the US states have you lived in?: 2
10. have you ever lived outside the US?: nope
11. name something you like physically about yourself: my eyes, my face, my feet
12. name something non physical you like about yourself: my intelligence
13. where do you want to go to college?: i go to ETSU
14. what is your dream car? hrm, there are a lot...
15. if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? everywhere. the whole world.
16. have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone? hahahaha. yes.
17. how many concerts have you gone to? can't count
18. do you download music? not really
19. how many illegal things have you done? haha, several.
20. where would you want to go on a first date? wherever. nothing too intense.
21. describe your perfect date: he must be on time. conversation must be awesome. fun must be had.
22. has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? yes
23. ever been kissed under fireworks? mhm
24. do you like president bush? fuck no.
25. have you ever bungee jumped? unfortunately, not yet
26. have you ever white- water rafted? no, i cant swim. i might die.
27. have you ever crashed a car? =( yes
28. has anyone more than 10 years older than you hit on you? haha... exactly 10 years older than me, yes.
29. have you met a real redneck? i live in east tennessee.
30. are you interested in anyone right now? indeed
31. what song are you listening to right now? the scissor sisters - take your mama out
32. what is your current favorite song? that one by the killers.
33. what was the last movie you watched? the seventh sign with demi moore
34. who was the last person you said you loved? they know who they are
35. where was the last place you went besides your house? the house i babysit at
36. have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? hrm. i dont think i have, actually.
37. have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? yes.
38. Have you ever sang in front of a large number of people? ugh. yes. never again.
39. what’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? smile, confidence
40. what really turns you on? haha. you're talking to the original nymph. what DOESN'T?
41. what do you usually order from starbucks? i don't pay that much for coffee, thanks. (but, if you must know, a light mocha frappuccino)
42. what is your biggest mistake? not loving myself enough.
43. have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? yes.
44. say something totally random about you: i've never played pinball.
45. do you have an i-pod? no, dammit.
46. has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? i've gotten reese witherspoon, nicole kidman, drew barrymore, and alicia silverstone.
47. do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? depends on what you mean by "kiddie"
48. do you have braces? no, my teeth were naturally perfect. =D
49. are you comfortable with your height? i think all girls should be short.
50. what is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? shit, there have been too many.
51. when do you know its love? when you just...fit.
52. do you speak any other languages besides English? no
53. have you ever been to a tanning salon? haha. i'm the original whitey.
54. what magazines do you read? newsweek
55. have you ever ridden in a limo? no =(
56. has anyone you were really close with passed away? not super-close, but a couple people
57. do you watch mtv? sometimes
58. whats something that really annoys you? people that don't call when they say they will, when my sister steals my shit, republicans.
59. whats something you really like? art, making art, good music, good weather, kissing, adventurous sex, coke zero.
60. do you like michael Jackson? seriously, i do. i don't care if he likes underage willy, he's still the king of pop.
61. can you dance? no
62. have you ever surfed? hahahaha. no.
63. do you know how to pump gas? yes
64. do you drive? yes
65. whats the latest you have ever stayed up? 2 days
66. have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die? once for real
67. were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?: i was rushed by my parents
68. have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do? haha, if you havent, you havent lived
70. do you actually read these when other people fill them out? i read them while i fill them out
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| original pirate material |
[20 Aug 2005|07:28pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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the streets - has it come to this |
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i'm sad. last night i was driving to kingsport to see dustin while and i found myself in the midst of an extremely photogenic moment. if any of the rest of you doesn't know how awesome eastman looks at night, you must drive over there TONIGHT and check it out. all the lights, oddly shaped buildings, the steam and the live flame, the river that cuts the complex in half- all of it makes for a crazy neo-industrial city-within-a-city. most of the lights are orange (as they were last night) and the sky was a deepening purple, about to turn itself over to night, and the moon was suspended right above eastman- and it was orange. yes. a harvest moon that totally color-coordinated with the little delicate industry city below it. the juxtaposition of machinery and nature. it was badass. but alas, i lacked a camera, so the moment will just have to be a painting later. i need a camera. eastman'd make for some fuckin awesome fotos.
man, i feel like listening to snoop dogg really bad. and dre. i've GOT to procure a copy of the chronic. fer shure. haha, speaking of...i want to try gin. i've never had any, and those new tanqueray commercials definitely work, because they make me wish i had a smooth englishman and a glass of gin with a club soda ice cube or two.
i'm also thinking about making an anonymous journal that i can use to be totally honest. because everyone knows protected entries are no fun, because they don't satisfy the human/american desire for a bit of e-fame. what's the use of blogging if no one reads it?
also, listen to the streets. british hiphop/techno. sweet as fuck. that is all.
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| don't you put me on the backburner |
[20 Aug 2005|07:10pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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the killers |
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hot shit. it's been awhile since my last update.
- school needs to hurry up and start, i'm getting restless.
- dustin has introduced me to lots of cool new music. the dorian three, nonphixion, dj harvey, and rj-d2 being some of it.
- nip/tuck is the most badass plastic surgery/soap opera EVER.
- i'm worried about my abnormal pap smear results. =\
- i need to get an apartment. i hate living back at home.
- also looking forward to starting school so i can stop eating so much (no time) and start exercising more (more walking and the gym opens)
- school starting is contingent upon my getting my PLUS loan approved. supposedly, it's been approved and all that, but ETSU doesn't seem to have a record of it yet. if i'm not settled by august 26, all my shit gets cancelled. eep.
- my ears are now stretched to a 00. go me. even though they ripped when i did it. not fun. had to avoid an infection with sea salt baths.
- i want  that hoodie (she almost looks like me, but i've got bleached streaks in the front of my hair now and am much cuter)
 that hoodie
 and those shoes, in grey. i'm so materialistic. and poor. nice combo.
i'm feeling bored and lonely. i feel purposeless. i need my own space and i need to start working again. the workaholic in me is suffering from lack of use. i need to DO something meaningful. i need to contribute to the universe. i need to find myself and then start learning how to love me.
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| i'm a soldier, i've got no soul. |
[03 Aug 2005|04:07am] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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i think i'm going to fucking hang myself.
and don't think i don't know how to tie a hangman's noose.
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| cool, calm exterior, but she's rotten inside. |
[31 Jul 2005|08:21pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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ani difranco - sorry i am |
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- Sorry I Am -
i'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone
i'm sorry that after all these years
i've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears
i guess i never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me
i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
i am
and i don't know what it is about you
i just know it's not what it was
i don't know why red fades before blue it just does
and i don't know what it is about me
that i just can't keep still
i keep thinking someday i will make this all up to you
and maybe someday i will
i guess i never loved you quite as well
as the way you loved me
i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
i am
sorry i am
sorry i am
sorry i am
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| rain, rain go away. all the world is waiting for the sun. |
[25 Jul 2005|02:30am] |
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mood |
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 morose |
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you got your say, is it my turn now?
maybe this will be my poem
my forum to air my grievances
at the risk of making things worse
I will.
i can't believe you act like you're the only one
who tried so desperately
to keep things intact
you say you gave me everything,
and you did.
you seem to have forgotten everything i gave in return.
A is for anger, because right now, i am disgustingly angry at the whole situation.
B is for baylor, which i tried so desperately to like, to endure.
C is for corpus christi. we had all our best times there. remember?
D is for dead inside.
E is for exhaustion, i don't know how much longer i can stand the turmoil. i'm tired of being miserable. tired, tired, tired.
F is for forgiveness, which i tried and still do try to extend to you, even when i shouldn't.
G is for guilty. because you seem to think this is all my fault.
H is for hair, i cut all mine off to give to you because you left "ring finger" by NIN via ipod on my front step after a fight i caused to show you how terribly, horribly sorry i was. even though it was almost to my waist, a goal i'd been looking forward to for years. I is for insanity, which i was trying to avoid by moving back home, but somehow still can't seem to escape.
J is for jay, because i can't seem to get "becky & jay" out of my mind.
K is for kill, because now i'm having anxiety dreams in which i commit suicide.
L is for lonely, because the void left by your presence is bone-crunching.
M is for miles. 1200 of them. the distance from johnson city, TN to corpus christi, TX. the number of miles i moved so we could be together.
N is for no one, because no one else will ever be my first love.
O is for omen, because baylor was a bad one.
P is for pain, because you don't seem to understand how much pain i was in when i chose to leave texas. how much pain i'm still in, if only because i have hurt you.
Q is for questions that i can't seem to escape. did i make the right decision? will things get better? will i finally stop hurting? will he be okay?
R is for red, the color of the curtain that hung over my bedroom window at a&m, the one that filtered pink on the walls in the afternoons when we'd skip work.
S is for sex, because i gave you my first meaningful time and because we learned everything from each other.
T is for tears, because all i've done lately is cry when i think about us, or you.
U is for ulcer, because all the stress makes me feel like i'm developing one.
V is for vacant, because i am.
W is for weed, and i think we both know why.
X is for xanax, because all this shit makes me want to self-medicate like a motherfucker.
Y is for you, because i still care.
Z is the end. is this?
i know you apologized, and i forgive you, but i'm fucking angry.
how fucking DARE you say i don't care? sometimes i wish i didn't care, because then i wouldn't hurt anymore. i'm sorry you hurt, but i do too. i did what i felt like i had to do to survive. i wish things were different. i wish things were easy. but this is life, and things aren't different, and things aren't easy. we have to be friends right now, because anything more is too hard. being friends is almost too hard when we have conversations like the one we did tonight. i don't want this to get worse.
let's let things cool down for awhile. maybe we'll both feel better.
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| pass another pill my way |
[23 Jul 2005|09:31pm] |
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mood |
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 full |
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i keep trying to make myself happy, and i'm not exactly sure what it's going to take to get there. the situation that caused me to move back here is complicated. a 4 year relationship put on hold for at least 2 years. dunno what to do about that. i should be happy- i'm dating a nice guy, jay still loves me, i'm going to a much cheaper school with good classes, i'm probably gonna be able to get my own apartment. but i still feel out of control.
i can't seem to control my eating. i overeat like 10 points a day in the first few days of the week, blowing weight watchers. then i get demoralized and try to eat myself happy. or i try to smoke myself happy. maybe i'm just trying to keep myself sedated, to forget that i am, in fact, fundamentally unhappy with who i am. how am i going to go about changing that, exactly? maybe i keep trying to please everyone around me but myself. maybe i just have no willpower, and when something gets hard, i run the fuck away.
i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. i don't know if i'm any good at art, if there's any reason to be motivated. i hope coming back here won't be a back-sliding experience. i want to be the best. maybe i don't have any artistic talent worth working for. it's all about work, i know that. i just don't know if i can get motivated. why the fuck am i languishing? why the fuck am i trying to numb myself? what happened to life?
i'm not quite sure.
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| oh lord, won't you buy me.... |
[19 Jul 2005|07:39am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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everything seems like it's changing, and fast. part of my soul deeply and strongly misses texas. i sort of miss the cowboy swagger, now that it's been replaced by a hillbilly stroll. all the shows on mtv now, set in austin, makes me miss those parts of my life so fucking bad i can't hardly stand it. i just, i had to go. or thought i had to. maybe jay's right. maybe i just forgot that it was going to be easier next year, with a new place. our place. i was going to have a practically live-in situation with my one true love. and now i'm here.
i'm still divided over whether or not i think this move was a good idea. i just built up an immense amount of anxiety, terror at baylor. the extreme amounts of emotional upheaval are pretty much indescribable. maybe i'm just a weak suburban white girl who has no real problems, so invents emotional stress to compensate. regardless of the reason, i felt shellshocked by baylor, my experiences there. i think it reached a certain breaking point somewhere after jay's arrest. it's not that it was his fault, it was just the straw in my pile of worries that made me crazy temporarily. i think i might have gotten seriously hurt had i stayed in corpus this summer. maybe i should have toughed it out. i don't know.
i feel better now, in a lot of ways. but i have things i miss terribly. i miss me and daniel and jay, driving "the loop" in waco, hot boxing it, stoned out of our gourds, listening to music and desparately hoping we wouldn't get pulled over. how we totally didn't realize that that big black expanse to the right of the road wasn't a field, but a lake. we always drove it at night. i clearly remember the stars and moon above the field to the right side. the trips to the porn store. smoking all the time. the art building. being so fucking stressed about not being able to get books that i started having a panic attack, and jay saved the day and loaned me fifty bucks. being so alone, even on campus. us against the students, against the CL's, against the world. being squelched by jesus. walking to HEB with jay, bringing food back to the house (north village). sex in that tiny little plastic bed. the parking garage and the thunderstorm. maybe things weren't so bad, oh god, what have i done?
but then there were the horrible fights jay and i had. we almost broke up a couple of times, and then once things were finally better, he gets arrested. not as if it couldn't have been me, had things been slightly different. i just needed a break. maybe a two year break was stupid. i'm terrified. i know i'm young and i'm learning, but i so desparately want what's right. right for who, i'm not sure. for me, hopefully. for the people i love. maybe part of me still searches for a fairy tale. i shouldn't expect that. but what i do know is this: texas and all my friends (including my best friend) made my coming back home (to save money, if nothing else) possible. it's what keeps me sane. motivated to get out. i can't get lazy. i still want a future that includes my little texan(s).
i left tennessee for texas because "home" wasn't really. i'm able to be here and deal with some of my demons because of the person i became in texas.
this is just a break, right? you'll still love me, won't you. all my best memories are with you, and i'm lost without that part of my life. come what may.
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| wash my sins away |
[22 Jun 2005|05:33pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
] |
work depresses me. all i did today was file and scan old hospital records. even though i get to listen to music and zone out, all i ever seem to be able to think about are all the terrible mistakes i've made, and all the times i've been stupid and compromised and embarassed myself. i'm pretty damn weak.
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| just when things were looking up. |
[22 Jun 2005|01:48am] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
ugh. goddammit. so much for feeling better after talking to friends. thanks, dear.
fuck that.
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| i shot the sherriff |
[21 Jun 2005|04:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
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marley! |
] |
lala. i feel better. virgina was nice. i got to see all the extended family and we went to DC (yay for the national gallery!!) and richmond (dear god, i'm moving there once i graduate!). i worked a lot today, 8-4. at $6.50/hr that's better than i have been getting. i'm also supposed to start babysitting for the lady that owns the company i work for. that should be rad, especially since i'm getting $6/hr in cash (no taxes).
jay comes in a week! yesss!!
that's all for now.
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| fuck tha hatas and their lies!! |
[13 Jun 2005|02:54am] |
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okay so, jay and i talked, and i feel a little better about things. i think everything might end up being okay.
went to a show tonight, that was kickass. hannah and i went, listening to prince on the way there. there were like, 5 people in attendance (besides the band and including us), but it was cool because we got to chill with the guys from chasing paris for most of the time. trading stories and whatnot. and it's nice to be flirted with, to know i still have it. good conversation and good music was enjoyed by all.
so with the exception of a pissy AIM conversation in which i got bitched at about my relationship by a person who obviously has no fucking clue what's up; my night was awesome.
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[12 Jun 2005|04:08am] |
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i really want to give up. i'm tired. i'm tired and i'm suffocating and i want this to stop, because there's no reprieve in sight. so much for my fairytale.
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| night and day |
[11 Jun 2005|05:06pm] |
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i miss everything the way it used to be. i miss holding hands and feeling closer to you than i was to myself. i miss you so badly. i wish you could just move here, with me. i miss our place and plans to decorate. you're so far away and it breaks my heart.
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starrysilence's journal